JOKE

A man walks into his doctor's surgery and says "Doctor, doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse". The doctor says, "Howzat?"

BLUNKETT

Says the Economist, "The British are no longer prudish about sex, but we still hate a queue jumper", which seems to capture the matter quite succinctly.

It's difficult to know what to make of a left-wing politician getting along so well (or, um, not) with a right-wing reactionary. Where is their integrity? Did their principles and convictions desert them over coffee? Now, a headline in today's Observer quotes Blunket as saying something along the lines of "I'm a working-class victim of the rich". Eh?! I haven't read this yet but I'm curious that this has come from a man who knowingly had an affair with a married woman for a number of years (and who he also made pregnant on at least one occasion, despite having three children from a previous marriage).

LONELY HEART

This is a better metaphor than the usual "few miles on the clock, nice bodywork" cliche:

"Unique space available in the heart of this 31-year-old, attractive development."

(From the FT)

TV SCHEDULE

Here are some of the things that were on tv last Thursday 16th December:

The Frank Skinner Show
Funtime Frankie chats to Amanda Holden and Frank Lampard.

Wildlife on One
The Surprising tetchy emperor dragonfly.

London Soccer Night
Looking backwards and forwards.

Newsnight
Tonight, your host is Kirsty Wark.

Only Fools and Horses
License-fee payers: ever feel you've been had?

Nice to see the listings writer has a sense of humour.

DYLAN / EMINEM

Oops! Like somone 'up to no good', I was disturbed during my previous post. Here, then, is the final verse of Dylan's "All I Really Want To Do":

I don't want to fake you out,
Take or shake or forsake you out,
I ain't lookin' for you to feel like me,
See like me or be like me.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.

And here are the closing words to a large segment of "The Real Slim Shady". So far as I understand - and I'm no Eminem expert - this rap is about the awkwardness of Eminem's being adored and expected to give of himself (signing of autographs, being 'personable'), whilst simulateously being perceived as a bad-ass rebel who will guarantee shocks and bad behaviour.

And there's a million of us just like me
Who cuss like me; who just don't give a fuck like me
Who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me
And just might be the next best thing, but not quite me!

Before I started writing, I thought there was a passing similarity. Now that I've finished, I don't think so anymore. But, similar or not, they are two of the best and most accomplished lyricists. I wonder what each thinks of the other?

BOB DYLAN & EMINEM

“All I Really Want To Do” is narrated in the first person by a speaker who defends his intentions towards another (identified only as “you”). Presumably, this is a lover/admirer.

Each verse follows the same pattern: an emphatic denial in line one is extended through lines two, three and four. Lines five and six express the speaker’s wish in positive terms – in contrast to the rest of the verse. All verses are structured in the same way, with the final two lines remaining constant (forming a familiar refrain and the title of the song). I have included five of the six verses below.

I ain't lookin' to compete with you,
Beat or cheat or mistreat you,
Simplify you, classify you,
Deny, defy or crucify you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
------------------------------

No, and I ain't lookin' to fight with you,
Frighten you or uptighten you,
Drag you down or drain you down,
Chain you down or bring you down.
All I really want….
Is…
------------------------------

I ain't lookin' to block you up
Shock or knock or lock you up,
Analyze you, categorize you,
Finalize you or advertise you.
All I really want…
Is…
------------------------------

I don't want to straight-face you,
Race or chase you, track or trace you,
Or disgrace you or displace you,
Or define you or confine you.
All I really want…
Is…
------------------------------

I don't want to meet your kin,
Make you spin or do you in,
Or select you or dissect you,
Or inspect you or reject you.
All I really want…
Is…

By the end of the song we know more about what the speaker doesn’t want than what he wants. This catalogue of behaviour is also revealing of the relationship between the speaker and the person he addresses.

Clearly, the speaker feels the need to defend himself from these charges (and, in doing so, assert himself). Perhaps he has been, or merely feels, ‘got at’ or accused? He could have been misunderstood or misconstrued If so, why? Did he bring this situation upon himself or contribute to it in some way, maybe by becoming excessively involved with this person? Or, are the addressee’s hopes and intentions clouding her judgement and bringing about an unrealistic/unbalanced approach to the speaker? Something has gone wrong here, but we don’t know what it is... It boils down to this question: Why is the speaker communicating his apathy so stridently?

When I think of this song, I think about how bold and strong it is. The speaker is resolutely, defiantly okay. He’s not trying to analyse or categorise. He has no interest in cheating or mistreating. (By implication, and although it is remains unsaid, we get a whiff that he might possibly suspect her of these things). It is a defiant song. It sticks two fingers up to relationships, or perhaps to this particular, unwelcome relationship The speaker is independent and robust, and he can shrug off these charges which are of no interest to him.

DOWN WITH CHRISTMAS

Has it gone away yet? The relentless advertising and pressure to buy pointless stuff, the overexcited children, the 'office parties' that are just downright awkward. Why? Is it really all in the name of Jesus?! I don't think he died for my sins. The birthdate of this Messiah is arbitrary and irrelevant.

Christianity is a religion imported from the East. Deserts, camels and myrrh don't feel terrifically relevant to my own mortality.

Anyway - don't want to come over all Bah Humbug. Obviously, Christmas is for catching up with friends and family (although, let's face it, even this can be a bit of a trial). The main thing is a bit of time off work which is always welcome at any time of year. I wish the commerce and gaiety were a bit lower key though.

COMIC STUFF

A friend recently bought me a book like this and I've been picking it up intermittently. I thought some of the funnier things were:

There have been times when I’ve thought about suicide, but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.
If they could figure out a way to channel my anger, they could solve the energy crisis.
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
The best thing I can say about bagpipes is that they don’t smell.
Bagpipes sound exactly the same when you have finished learning them as when you start.
Just because I don’t care, that doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
My children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in a commercial.
My mother used to say that there are no strangers – only friends you haven’t met yet. She’s now in a maximum security twilight home.
Apparently some Human Resource managers don’t appreciate having interview questions answered through interpretive dance.

Particularly the third one, which made me laugh for a week whenever I thought of it.

HAMLET

Could this be the textbook example of bathos? Look at what Polonius has to say to the Queen. It's so funny! (Because of the way we now read the word 'mad', with its cant, almost slang meaning?)...

My liege and madam, to expostulate
What majesty should be, what duty is,
Why day is day, night night, and time is time,
Were nothing but to waste night, day, and time.
Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit,
And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,
I will be brief. Your noble son is mad.

THE LAST RESORT - PAWEL PAWLIKOWSKI (2000)

(This review from the Telegraph, of all places)

It used to be a goal of European film-making to encourage people to bear a little more reality. You went to the cinema to get closer to life. People today are likely to prefer the opposite service that Hollywood provides - escapism - but sometimes an inexpensive little film comes along that reminds you of the value of the European traditions. The cinema is about entertainment, but it isn't only about that: it is an expression of values. I reckon we are now lucky if one film a year comes from a truly original source: last year it was Laurent Cantet's Human Resources, the year before it was Lynne Ramsay's Ratcatcher. This year it is Last Resort, directed by Pawel Pawlikowski.

Last Resort is a film that is actually about something: the story of Tanya and Artiom and Alfie involves no great suspense and few surprises, yet this is the most involving film to come along this year. It has none of the anger and reproach of Ken Loach, and none of Mike Leigh's satire. Here is a new kind of film about modern Britain, one that shows the country in a different relationship to Europe, as a place of isolation and aloneness. I have now watched Last Resort three times.

Against the trend for smartly dressed gangster pictures and badly written Northern feelgood movies, this film points the way forward. It says something devastatingly simple: go and look at the lives that are lived here.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a very, very good film. If you get the chance to see it, make sure you do!

THE MURDERERS

Halfway through the play, Macbeth hires a couple of hitmen to bump off Fleance and Banquo. By way of explantion for their involvement in the contract killing, the murderers offer up these lines:

I am one
Whom the vile blows and buffets of the world
Hath so incensed that I am reckless what I do
To spite the world.
And I another,
So weary with disasters, tugged with fortune,
That I would set my life on any chance
To mend it or be rid on't.

I'd imagine these words echoe the feelings of the man who recently parked his car on a level crossing in the path of a high-speed mainline train, killing himself and several others. Shakespeare, demonstrating that 'True artists have a democratic eye', is completely amazing - as much for psychological insight as astonishing language.